#1 – Be Needy
Be Needy. Demand attention at all times—especially during work hours (and deadlines). Complain when your friends and family don’t return your text messages quickly. Command friends, acquaintances, and co-workers to build their schedules around your life. Think nothing of it. Be needy and you can destroy your relationships in no time.
#2 – Be Invisible
Be Invisible. Disappear. Flake. Fail to follow through. Enforce strict radio silence. Ensure your voicemail box is always full and your email messages bounce. Disable text messaging. Never return phone calls. Lie about it—”I never got your call Jim!” Be invisible and your relationship is sure to fade away.
#3 – Be Self Serving
Be Self Serving. Channel your inner narcissist—or if you’re a true pro—your inner sociopath. Guilt others into doing things for you. Convince people you’re a victim. Get as much stuff as you can for free. Never return favors. Never offer your time or help. Manipulate. Deceive. Lie compulsively. Take credit for the work of others. Shame is your enemy in this pursuit. Be self serving.
#4 – Alienate
Alienate, Alienate, Alienate. Your job sucks. Your girlfriend is fat. Your life is meaningless. Mine is so much hotter, richer, and better. Post politically and racially charged opinions on social media. Pretend you’re better than everyone else. Master the art of being an aloof d-bag. Alienate everyone you come in contact with, and their mom.
#5 – Be Pathetic
Be Pathetic. Feel sorry for yourself. Be a victim. Eliminate the word “grateful” from your vocabulary. Never say thank you. Never have any perspective. The world sucks. America sucks. Capitalism sucks. I suck. You suck. This sucks. Boo-hoo. Be sure to frequently squander opportunities, consume mass quantities of junk food, and watch endless amounts of television.
#6 – Be a Victim
Be a Victim. Feel sorry for yourself. Seek sympathy in manipulating ways. Become dependent.
#7 – Be Disinterested in Others
Be Disinterested and self centered. Never, ever, ask a thoughtful question. Never focus on one person for too long. Look at your watch. Stare at your iPhone. Roll your eyes. The more disinterested you are in what others have to say the better.
#8 – Don’t Show Up
If showing up is 80% of life, fuck it don’t show up. This one thing will ruin all your relationships. For an added bonus—don’t communicate that you won’t be showing up—go completely silent (see #2 above).
#9 Give Unsolicited Advice
Give Advice. Lot’s of advice. Only unsolicited advice. Use plenty of shouldas, wouldas, and couldas. Make people feel stupid, insecure, and threatened. Violate boundaries. Offend, insult, belittle. The more advice you give the fast you’ll destroy your relationship.
#10 Be Political, Religious, and Opinionated—all at once!
Make every discussion a political or religious discussion. Voice you unpopular opinions at all the wrong times—like your coworkers birthday party, or your boss’s summer BBQ. Be sure to relate everything to politics or religion. Blame the government and god for all your problems. Antagonize, polarize and divide…Your relationship will be over faster than William Harrison’s presidency.
#11 Be Ungrateful
People who know relationships say thank you—you don’t! Never say thank you for anything. Never feel grateful. Never express gratitude.
If you follow this advice you’re sure to ruin any relationship, including the one you have with yourself.